Mama Keysh’s Lessons on Life (My favorites anyway)

“There will be so many times you feel that you failed, but in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child, you are super mom.”

“When my children remember their childhood, I want them to remember that their Mother gave it her all. She worried too much, she failed at times and she did not always get it right… but she tried her hardest to teach them about kindness, love, compassion, and honesty. Even if she had to learn it from her own mistakes she loved them enough to keep going, even when things seemed hopeless, even when life knocked her down. I want them to remember me as the Woman who always got back up.”

If you know me, you most likely know a thing or two about the woman who gave me life. One, because you might call me by one or two of these nicknames: baby giraffe, little Keysh, baby girl, etc. The list goes on. Every time I am out and about, I hear at least one time, “Oh my gosh! Are you Keysha’s daughter? You look just like her! Wow! You sound like her too!” I am not kidding, I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard those words. The best part is, I don’t mind at all. In fact, I am flattered every time I get the compliment “you are so much like your mom.”

The other day I woke up early to get ready for the day and deep clean the house. I turned on some old school rap, and even threw in a little Patsy Cline for the hell of it. It was when I was scrubbing my floors that I realized I in fact am my mother. Haha! Growing up my mom always woke up early, turned up the music, and cleaned the house on Saturday’s. I couldn’t help but smile and have tears in my eyes. How wonderful it is to be just like a woman that is so utterly amazing.

“When my children remember their childhood, I want them to remember that their Mother gave it her all. She worried too much, she failed at times and she did not always get it right… but she tried her hardest to teach them about kindness, love, compassion, and honesty. Even if she had to learn it from her own mistakes she loved them enough to keep going, even when things seemed hopeless, even when life knocked her down. I want them to remember me as the Woman who always got back up.”

The name “Mama Keysh” started a few years ago. Ira and I always had friends over. Not just one, not just two… more like 7 friends each (mostly Ira anyway). Our house has always been packed with kiddos. Mama Keysh is everyones mom when they enter our home. The woman is a saint, I swear. She runs our Tribal Daycare, she sits on the Booster Club for Nixyaawii Charter School, she volunteers at every Nixyaawii Basketball game, she sits on the B.A.A.D. Tournament committee, and somehow still finds time for her family.

For nearly 22 years, I have watched this woman build the life that she dreamed about. It hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t always been fun. However, it’s always been worth it for her kids in her eyes.

Here are a few things I’ve learned from Mama Keysh over the years…

1. Family First. Always. My brothers and I have gone through numerous friendships, relationships, etc. My mom (and dad) always reminded us that when it comes down to it, we will always have our family. Our family is huge, so that’s helpful! Ha! There were always 6 or 7 of us cousins always running around together. We got into the occasional fight screaming mean things to each other but always made up. Our parents were sure to teach us that we never turn our back on each other. If you need help… family. If you’re sad… family. If you’re in trouble… family. If you’re happy…  family. If you’re excited… family. Most of this was instilled in my mother at a young age. Our culture does not allow us to not be close to each other. Not only in our family, our community constantly relies on each other. We are interdependent on one another. That’s what makes us a society within a society. We then teach our families and children that. This concept is something that is instilled in me. Our family is most important to us. Thanks mom.
2. Anything is Possible. At a young age, I understood that I had the world at my fingertips. My mom always made sure to teach my brother and I that we could do anything we wanted. Whether that be playing basketball in the NBA or teaching a kindergarten classroom, living in Japan or living on the Rez. Whatever we wanted, as long as it is something, is possible. The amount of love that my mother provided me, shows through in this. She believes in me. She always has. She has always been in my ear reminding me that I can indeed have it all if I want it. It comes down to whether or not I want to put in the work. How lazy do you want to be? How hard do you want to work? What are you willing to do to get what you want? I know that my mom wanted to live a healthy lifestyle, provide a life for her kids that she didn’t get, and to be happy. In my almost 22 years of living I’ve watched my mom go from a single mom of 2, to a married woman with 4 kids (Their 11th wedding anniversary is this Saturday!!!). Go from working minimum wage jobs, to having a career. From living in the projects, to owning a home. The list goes on. My mom has been a living example not only for myself and my brothers, but for our friends and our community. The secret to living the life you want is believing that you are capable of anything you want. Thanks Phofee!
3. Sometimes we just need a good ass chewing. If you know me, you know that I can be sensitive at times. Oops! Haha! I always blamed it on having such a tough woman as a mom. Over the years I would get upset over several things. There were and still are times that I will go too long feeling sorry for myself about something going on in my life. My moms words were always, “Well, better get over it. What are you going to do? Sit in here and cry about it forever? Or are you going to get it together and move on ? You can’t control other people, Marissa. That’s just the way it is. Stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself an be better. Do better. You need to get a grip.” I can’t tell you how many times I heard this. When it comes down to it, she is right. We can’t control other people. We only control how we react and how we choose to treat others. You right, mother dearest.
4. You DO NOT need a man. Boy oh boy. Where do I even start? My mom instilled this in me from an early age. As I said earlier, Mama Keysh was a single mom for a while. She worked several jobs, figured out her life, and got it together. She again, wouldn’t have been able to do this without the support of her family. I think after I had my first heartbreak she reminded me that “boys are trouble and you don’t need one anyway.” Man, was she right! Haha! But it’s the truth. A woman should never feel like she needs a man to be alive, and vice versa. Growing up  I always knew this. It wasn’t until I started to depend on a man that I realized I had lost myself. We are all capable of feeling a certain way. We are all capable of maintaining a happy and healthy lifestyle on our own. The day that we decide that it’s someone else’s job to make us happy and to give us the things we crave… we’re in trouble. My mom always taught me that I could have anything I wanted without the help of man. Hell, who needs a man when you can live it up on your own time anyway? Of course, when the right one comes along, he will appreciate that I understand how to fulfill my needs on my own. I don’t absolutely need a man to give me what I need. I’m capable of loving myself and giving me everything I want. I was raised to hustle like a man because I was told to never depend on one. My mama raised me right.
5. You are the only one that can pick yourself up. As we get older and begin to build connections with others it’s easy for us to start relying on those people to help us feel better, give us the attention we want/need, etc. However, when it comes down to it… we are really the only ones able to fill those vacancies in ourselves. Other people, material items, drugs, alcohol, etc., are only temporary fixes. Those things go away. It is when we realize this, that we grow and continue to grow forever. We flourish. Because once we realize how truly powerful each of us are, the love spreads. You see one person happy, and you want to know their secret. How did you do that? How are you just so happy? I am someone that spent at least 10 years stressing out about things that I had absolutely no control over. Once I realized I had control of my own thoughts and feelings, my life changed. I was the only one that could convince myself. We are all capable of this. We just have to believe. You win, Mama Keysh. You win.

My heart is overwhelmed with the amount of love and guidance my mom has provided me. Not only did she say these things to me over and over again, but she lived those truths. My mom is the most motivated, determined woman that I know. If she wants something, she’s going to get it. She values herself so much, that she is willing to do whatever she can to have what she wants and needs. Mama Keysh’s life has been devoted to giving her family everything that she can. So – to those of you that tell me I am just like my mom. Thank you. She is the most wonderful woman I have ever encountered. I only hope to be HALF of the woman she is.

Mama – I love you. You are such an amazing role model, inspiration, and example to not only your kids, but everyone around you. I am so blessed to be your daughter. All in all, thank you for raising me to be a strong, independent, loving, and helping woman just like you. I wouldn’t want it any other way. So lucky to be your twin.

Xoxo,

Riss

Getting My Life Together… Finally

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Modeling make up, hair and fashion for my wonderful friends Jory and Rayne Spencer!

My goodness, have I been MIA lately. For those of you that have been looking for my posts, I am so sorry that I have been slacking. With being home for Thanksgiving, Las Vegas for the National Finals Rodeo, finals, and being home for an entire month for the holidays; your girl has been busy!

2016 – Where do I begin? Let us talk for a moment about how interesting that year was. Yikes! I moved, I started school, I nannied, I lost who I thought was the love of my life, I finished the year out with school, I traveled, I spent much needed time with friends, I kicked depression’s ass, and I embraced all that I was going through. My oh my. Tears fill my eyes thinking about how far I have come. The coolest part? SO many people that I have talked to tell me similar stories about their 2016 adventure. How neat that we can all relate in someway, right?

Here’s how I’m handling it all – I am viewing my year of 2016 as my growing pains year, my tough year and most importantly, my necessary year.

At the time, it seemed as if my heart ache was never going to end. I struggled so terribly and I could not figure out why on earth God/the Universe/whatever you might believe in, was putting me through all of this misery. Of course, I knew that there had to be some reason for it all, but I just did not want to deal with any of it. I don’t know how many times I thought, “If I could just go to sleep and wake up when this crappy stuff is over, that would be awesome!” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. 2016 was the year of growth for me. It took me hitting rock bottom, on several occasions, to find ME again. The good news? She’s back. She’s back and she’s better than ever.

In no way am I saying that I am 100% healed, that I’m perfect, that I’m a saint, or that I don’t have my bad days. Those things are still very much there, and every day I have to remind myself what really matters and what doesn’t.

 

In 2016, I learned so much. I learned the true value of loving myself fully. I learned that my biggest job is taking care of me. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. There is nothing more important than that, my friends. At the end of the day, YOU are all that you have. In the spring of 2016, I lived alone. While living alone, I had crippling anxiety and depression, and I no longer wanted to be on this wonderful place we call Earth. I had no one in the city that I lived in. I scared the crap out of my friends and loved ones. I had never felt so alone, sad, or miserable. My days consisted of pulling myself out of bed, showering, collapsing to the ground and crying hysterically. My body could not function. I was gone. So. Far. Gone. My heart breaks when I look back on this time of my life. I had to ask for help. I had to get better. Or I wasn’t going to be here anymore. As sad as that sounds, it was so true and viable. I was lost. Only I could pull myself up off the ground. Only I could get myself ready. Only I could get myself to school and work. Only I could make myself better. At the time, I didn’t know what it was going to take, and I didn’t think my pain was ever going to end. Friends… It did. Please do not give up on yourself. I am a walking, living, breathing example.

I am here today.

I closed 2016 out with some wonderful friends, and of course my family. I spent the majority of my Winter Break with my cousins and siblings. I didn’t know it, but what my soul really needed was to go back to the basics and remember where I came from. Being home reminded me why I set the goals that I did. I began to remember what my dreams were, who I was, and how much my culture influenced me into becoming who I am today.

Hans Banans!

A night out!

Jory Ann!

Lils, a soul sister of mine.

Without 2016 going the way that it did, I would not be who I am right now at this very moment. I was so content with living the small life I was living. Now, I couldn’t imagine living the life I wanted to a year ago.

With that, I wanted to share with you some of my goals for the wonderful year of 2017! Man oh man, am I excited for this year! My most exciting news right now is that I will be graduating from Oregon State University with a Bachelor of Science in Human Development and Family Sciences with a focus in Child Development in June! YAY! Once again, I have dreamed of this day since I was a little girl. I can’t believe that it’s finally here! I’ll have to return in the fall to complete the last part of my degree. But after that, it’s on to “real” adulthood. Secondly, I have devoted this year to truly focusing on me and who I want to be. I am working on being completely content with who I am, and truly believing in myself and my capabilities. This is something that I have always struggled with, and I’ve decided that it’s time for me to step it up.  I am reminding myself that my life doesn’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to control every little aspect of it. Whatever happens, happens. I truly believe that.

1. Be Present and Love Myself
   • Less Social Media/Technology
   • Less Netflix and More Music
   • Journal and Meditate More
   • Read 30 Minutes Daily
   • Don’t Take Things Personally
   • Be Spiritual
2. Live Healthier
   • Exercise More
   • Less Alcohol/Soda
   • More Water
3. Save Money
4. Travel More
5. Be Organized
   • Make Lists
   • Do Homework
   • Write In Planner
   • Tidy Up Daily
6. Be Gracious, Be Thankful, Be Humble

I would love to hear about your goals for 2017, and I would also love to hear about your story of 2016. Find what grabs you, look for it. Figure out what you want to do and go get it. You set your goals. You set your standards. You are so capable of everything. If it takes me texting you every day for who knows how long to remind you of that, let me know. I’m here. Please, please, reach out! I love chatting, I love hearing others experiences, and I love being a resource. My arms are open to anyone.

Also, I would love to know what you guys want to read about! What do you want to hear from me? I am going to do my best about staying on top of things and writing more.

Just hang on, friends. It’s going to be okay.

Transforming

First off, I want to apologize for being sort of MIA on here in the last month. I have been extremely busy. Whether that be visiting family back home, going to class, or trying to study for finals and finish final projects while at the National Finals Rodeo in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Yikes!) It has been go, go, go for me lately! It seems like I’ve barely had a chance to sit down. My brain has been exhausted. I just want you to know that I love you all, and sometimes it’s okay to be super busy and not get everything done that we would like to. We’re human. We aren’t perfect.

I’m currently on an airplane flying back to Oregon. I’m running on a few hours of sleep that I got on the San Francisco Airport floor. As I was waiting for my flight I spoke with my grandmother on the phone for a while. I began reflecting on all that I had experienced in one years time. A year ago today, I was a mess. My heart was hurting, terribly. I can’t even put to words the way I felt. The hardest part for me to understand is that I truly thought I was happy and the life that I was living was “normal.” It’s hard for me not to have tears when I think about all that I’ve been through and how my life experiences have shaped me into who I am. I am genuinely happy today and it astounds me to look back at the last year. It has been SO overwhelming, in a good way. I have gone through this wonderful transformation. I have let go of anything negative that was once in my life. I have discarded all of the crappy people. I have learned to just be me, and embrace who I truly am. I wish that I could explain in detail how I did it. I try to do my best at it, but it kind of just all happened. One day, I woke up and decided I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. I have found such wonderful people. I am so thaounkful that God has blessed me with a struggle that has made me better. Don’t get me wrong, I still have times that I’m sad. That’s okay. I’ve learned that if I acknowledge those feelings and ask myself why exactly I’m feeling that way, it helps me find some clarity. It’s okay to sulk sometimes. Just not forever. If you are truly miserable, only you can make the decision to act upon it. I can give you all the tools in the world, but you have to pick them up.

I want to talk about some special people and experiences that have helped me in my transformation.

The first two experiences that have continued to bless me with tremendous opportunity is the Pendleton Round Up and Happy Canyon. In 2014 I was a Happy Canyon Princess and in 2015 I  was a Round Up princess. However, it didn’t stop there. I have been asked the last 3 years to attend the Wrangler National Finals Rodeo to promote the Round Up and Happy Canyon. These associations have truly shaped me into the woman I am today. From the public speaking, to educating people on Native American Culture and the sport of rodeo, to meeting some pretty amazing people. My favorite part about being on these 2 courts is meeting and talking to so many different kinds of people. I am a total people person and I love to talk. I have learned so much from each individual that I’ve met. They each tend to provide me with some sort of opportunity. That could be educating them, gaining more knowledge from them, or just being an ear for someone to talk to. In the last few days I have talked to hundreds of people about anything under the sun.

There are 12 couples from Happy Canyon board of directors and 17 from the Pendleton Round Up board of directors that I will forever consider family. These people are truly special to me and I will forever love them. I know that these people will always have my back, and I appreciate them so much for all that they’ve done for me and continue to do for me. Two of these couples I am very close with and they mean the world to me. Corey and Andrea Neistadt, I don’t even know where to start. They are wonderful. Not only have they modeled a healthy marriage and fantastic parenting, they have taken me under their angel wings since the day I met them. They are always there to remind me of who I am and why I was placed on this earth. I know that what they say is always coming from the heart and they always mean it. I can’t put into words how thankful I am for them and I will never be able to repay them for all that they have done for me. My heart swells with joy when I think of them, see them, and talk to them. Another iconic couple in my life is Chelle Roca and Rick Baltzor. These people are equally as amazing as Corey and Andrea. They too, have taken me under their angel wings since the day I met them. Their love for life and each other is phenomenal. They remind me that it’s okay to not be okay, and to never settle. Both of these couples remind me that I am an amazing woman and I am capable of doing whatever I’d like to; and I know that they aren’t blowing smoke or pumping my tires. These 4 are absolutely amazing. I have no idea where I would be without them. From the bottom of my heart, I can’t express all that these 29 couples have done for me. I am truly so thankful and I will never be able to repay them.

I know that I talk about myself a lot, but I also use this blog as a healing tool. I am acknowledging all that I’ve been through and all that I’ve done on this journey to be the best me possible, is okay. It’s okay to give ourselves some credit every once in a while and we should never feel like we have to justify that. We are all so unique and wonderful in our own ways. Each of us has a purpose in this life, and I think mine is just to remind people that we aren’t perfect and that’s okay. Life is so hard. I want you all to know that I will always be here to listen to your words and offer any advice that you might want. I’ve had several people recently ask me about depression and I am overloaded with joy when I get those kinds of questions. We need to know that it’s okay to be down sometimes. However, we must remember that we shouldn’t stay miserable forever. A year ago I was content with the small life I was living. Today, I would never allow that. We all deserve to do anything and everything that we want. Go on that date, travel to that city, get rid of your crappy friend, compliment that girl on her skirt. Figure out exactly who you truly are, exactly who you want and don’t want, exactly what your purpose is. Find the special people that you have and just love them. I will always be here to remind you that you are wonderful, and you are worthy of living this life.

If things ever get too hard, you let me know. I will do my best to give you any resources I might have. I am constantly reading new books and researching. You’re all amazing and I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to share my journey.

You are worthy. 

Xoxo,

Riss

The Revelation That Was My Saving Grace

“Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.” -Oprah

 

Version 1

As a young girl I was full of anger, jealousy, and hate. Also, happiness, love, and a passion for life. My heart was so hurt for so long. My life had changed drastically when I turned 8 years old. I had been living with my grandparents and visited my parents frequently. However, grams house was and still is home. The day that my mom and dad Aaron informed me that I would be moving in with them, my heart broke. I knew that I didn’t have a choice, but I did everything that I could to convince them that I wanted to stay at my grandmas. It was then that Aaron became one of my angels. He was adamant that I live with my mom. After all, that’s where I belonged. As an 8 year old, I didn’t understand. Not only did my grandparents love me with every ounce of their souls, they also spoiled me rotten and what little girl would want to leave that?! Little did I know, this would be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

It was then that I learned to balance my life. I let go of all of the anger, jealousy, and hate; and only allowed the good feelings to come in. It was then that I really grasped my culture, and it is still what defines my morals, values, and beliefs. It was then that I allowed myself to truly love my parents, siblings, family, friends, and life. I became the happiest girl. However, that didn’t come easy. There were many nights of crying, screaming, and praying that things would turn in my direction. I wanted to badly for my mom and dad to be together. My parents, all 3 of them, decided that it was going to be best if I start counseling. Her name was Keirsten, and I loved her. She helped me realize that I had the power to choose how I wanted to feel. That my parents weren’t trying to hurt me when they separated, but were instead helping me. I was always in their best interest. They were on their own paths of hurting, and they had to heal before I could be their first priority. I got to decide that other people and things didn’t have to rule my life. I was 11 when I first grasped all of this. My heart was so broken, I healed it on my own.

From then on I made the decision to let go of all of the sadness and hurt that I had felt from my childhood. Everything I did was with love and happiness. I was done hurting.

Version 2

As I mentioned in My Story, after I graduated I got into a serious relationship. During that relationship I had my first classroom of 3 year old’s. I was working full time, going to school full time, on the Round Up Court, and trying my best to maintain my relationship. I became very, very stressed and depressed.

For those of you that don’t know, Head Start serves the “neediest of the needy.” Many of these children suffer from poverty, drug and alcohol addiction in the home, and are witnesses of domestic violence. Many of these children have seen and experienced things that 3 year old’s should not. As I taught 17 little humans that I loved very much, I began to see myself in them. I could feel the sadness, anger, jealousy, hate, and desire to be loved by their parents. Unknowingly, I became very closed off. I spent most of my nights at my boy friends house, and didn’t really have any communication with my parents or friends. My boy friend and his family were the only ones that I wanted to be around. Something in me just wasn’t okay. I couldn’t figure out what it was. One day, I realized that all of the feelings that I felt as a little girl had come back. I became angry at my parents, again. How dare they just choose other people and substances over me? They brought me into this world… and didn’t want to take care of me? I was so sad and upset all over again. Ultimately, I was frustrated. So frustrated that everything that I thought I had taken care of 10 years prior, was back. I began asking “why me?” Why did I have to go through this? I busted my ass every day, my entire life, to be the best me possible. So why was this happening, again?

I again, became a very negative person. I began to depend completely on my boy friend to make me happy. I put all of my negative emotions on him. I was always complaining, crying, upset. He couldn’t do anything right. I began to push him away. Of course, this was the last thing I wanted. Not only was I doing that, but he was manipulating me into feeling like I needed him. I choose to believe that he did this unknowingly. I don’t believe that he ever wanted to intentionally hurt me. My mama taught me at a young age that I didn’t need a man in my life to be okay. So.. why was I starting to feel as if I did? I lost who I was completely. My life revolved around him, and him only. I was at every game, every family event, anything that he wanted I did. I was constantly doing things to make him happy. Such as folding his laundry, cleaning his room, buying him things, etc. I couldn’t lose him. He had to know that I appreciated and loved him SO much. Literally with every ounce of my heart and soul. However, it was never enough. When I was constantly unloading all of my problems on him, he began to feel like he wasn’t enough for me anymore. He felt that he couldn’t make me happy anymore. If there’s anything that hurts, it’s the fact that I unknowingly made someone feel that they weren’t worthy enough. We became a very, very toxic couple. At one point, our relationship was amazing. We were the life of the party and we loved each other. It was that burning, passion-filled love. But… that just wasn’t us anymore. We were constantly feeding off of each others negativity. I think that we did truly love each other and knew it. I think that’s maybe why we fought so long to try and make it work. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always turn out the way we want it to. I live in guilt every day for hurting someone else while on my own path of hurting. It crosses my mind every day.

The day that we decided to end things, I felt like like everything I once knew was gone. Like my whole world went black. I was alone. I had no idea where to even start. I spent every day for the next 3 months crying. I cried every. single. day. I was so hurt and miserable. We had plans. We were going to get married and have a family. We were going to be the perfect examples for our children. But now, all of that was gone. How does one just let all of that go? How does one just move on and forget about every thing that had been their life? I became more depressed than I already was. I didn’t want to feel anymore. I asked myself things like, “why am I not enough?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “what does she have that I don’t?” My mind would not shut off. I felt like I couldn’t control my own thoughts. I hurt, so bad. It was a fight to get out of bed in the morning, I wasn’t eating enough, I wasn’t okay anymore.

I never thought it was possible to love someone too much. But boy, was I wrong. In order to be in a healthy relationship, we HAVE to be content with ourselves. No one and nothing will fill that void but us. What happened in my relationship was not all of his fault. It was mine too. We were on a merry-go-round, and we didn’t know how to get off. We just didn’t work anymore. That’s okay. We were together at time where we both needed each other. We were both in a very vulnerable state, and we were the only thing one another had. I think that sometimes God has this way of placing people in our lives when we need them and when we need to learn something.

Version 3

7 months later, I still fight every day to choose happiness. Regardless of what we want to believe, we have to consciously choose how we want to feel and what we are going to let affect us. Hurt and sadness don’t just go away. And, it’s okay and extremely important to feel those feelings. Shortly after my break up, I began to read several books about self love and vulnerability. I created a morning routine, which I highly recommend doing. I had 2 boiled eggs, half an avocado, and a glass of orange juice for breakfast every day. I watched a meaningful TEDx talk, or read an inspirational story. I also did yoga or something similar to get my blood flowing. Every day I made a point to write in my journal. These are all healthy risks that I took to make my life better. I was learning to manage  my emotions again. I began to find my worth and self confidence again. I was starting to be ME again.

I will admit that my heart is still broken. I am still learning how to deal with every thing that has happened. I am still learning how to let go of the person I once loved too much. That is okay. We heal at our own pace. I have taken the last 7 months to truly work on myself. There was a time that I was partying too much and didn’t have my priorities straight. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed to snap out of it.  I can say that in the last few months I have had more good days than I have bad. However, there have been several days that I felt like I was drowning in my sorrows. But, there has also been many more days that I felt like I was soaking up my happiness. Little things like these are important for me to point out to myself. Some may say that it makes me narcissistic, but I choose to believe it keeps me sane. I love to look back at the progress that I’ve made. Who I am now, is no where close to who I was 7 months ago, and I am still no where close to where I want to be. I am a completely different woman. I truly believe that I am worthy of love and worthy enough to live this roller coaster of a life. There are times that I feel like the world is out to get me… The thing is, life is what we make it. I have chosen to take the path of becoming the best me possible.

Sometimes I feel that I am walking on a very thin line of being okay, and not being okay. It’s true when they say that time heals all wounds. However, I think we can speed up that healing process if we want to. I understand that sometimes we are not in a place where we can choose to be happy. Sometimes we are in such a dark spot that we are only trying to survive. I know because I have been there. My reason for this story today is that I recently was beginning to lose sight of what I wanted. This weekend I was reminded that I have to start using my past hurt as fuel to get to where I want to be. I have to get back down to earth again. Today I deleted the social media apps off of my phone for the time being. I’m going to get back into my reading, journal, and meditation. It breaks my heart to look back and see how miserable I have been. This weekend I was reminded that if I feel lost, it’s okay to go back to the basics. For me, that’s the EO and my amazing culture filled family. Today I am choosing to continue to be the best version of me. In doing so, I know that the right things will fall into my lap.

Don’t give up, friends. It’s going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Riss